fuck. this. shit.

I have never, EVER hated my life. I've never hated myself, nor have I ever wanted to be anyone but me. I have said a million times how much I love being me. I have never hated someone. I have disliked people. I have not been fond of people. I have never HATED another human. I have never been resentful. I've never wanted what other people had. I have had so many reasons over the years to have done all these things. I was beaten on almost a daily basis. I've spent my entire life not ever being able to be enough of anything for anyone. I've been from and created broken homes. I haven't lived with my parents since I was 15. I had to grow up fast, eat a lot of shit to keep from being one of those kids on the street who never finished school... and that's just he tip of the iceberg. Yet, I still never hated anyone, including myself. I always had pretty good self-esteem despite the constant ridicule peppered with physical and verbal abuse.  Over the course of the last year and a half, I have had a whole lot of firsts. Not one of them has been good. I'm angry. I hate people. Often, I hate myself. I want to be almost anyone else but me. I don't sleep. When I eat I throw it up. When I wake up in the morning, I don't greet the day anymore. I shudder at the thought of having to slog thru the day until I can snuggle with my kids. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I want to go home, but I don't know where home is. Where I live isn't even home. It's simply the place I go in between work. I feel like an annoying extra in every situation.

With every turn, I'm trapped into having to the choose the lesser of two evils. and then I am berated from every direction for making bad choices. When I only have bad shit to choose from, how can I make good choices?  I'm not allowed to fully enjoy anything I've worked my ass off for. And I have been a fucking worker bee since I was 15 years old and my friend's mom altered my birth certificate to say I was old enough to work. Most of the time I have carried two or more jobs and school.  I currently have a job that I hate. I work for a fantastic company, but the job itself sucks harder than a hollywood hooker. They make more money than I do as well.

I have two gorgeous kids- Hands down the most wonderful things in my life-and I have to worry everyday about shit I should never have to worry about. I have to fight everyday to make sure they don't see how the situations in my life make me feel. I make sure they only see smiles and how happy they make me. I make sure they know how much I love them and how important they are... because I know how it feels to not be loved and how it feels to see nothing but anger from a parent. I know how it feels to not be important. I never, ever want them to have the things I have to struggle with. I don't want them to know how many things I have to do that I don't want to. I want them to look at Mommy and know they have my full unconditional love and support.

I struggle everyday.  I have to slip into masks. I have to fight the tears. I would go through all the bad shit I had to when I was younger rather then deal with how I feel now. That's pretty fucking bad.

For once, I am happy with just about everything in my life. I guess that isn't fair; I am generally a happy person, despite how this blog sounds. I have my drama, but the good stuff is so good it makes the bad stuff bearable.I was thinking about the positive things in my life today; How much I should enjoy them and be grateful for them. I am feeling especially warm and fuzzy for the good people in my life. It could be the new vitamins talking, but I am running with it. hahah

I have just discovered that no matter what changes I try to make to be more appealing to someone else, it just doesn't work. I am forever doomed to the friend zone. It doesn't matter if it is best friend, dearest friend, one of my oldest friends, it is still friend.

I just can't seem to be anything more than what I am. ugh. One step forward and like 5 back.

In my last life, I am convinced I was Hitler or Stalin, or someone who kicked dogs and ate babies.

Oh lord, Graduation looms ahead. What am I going to do with myself when I am no longer with the people I have come to love over the last 18 months? I am going to feel lost without some sort of structure to my daily life, and oh holy ballsack, I am going to want to die when time to start paying back the student loans rolls around. I hope I can do some good things with this education....

More often than not I find myself turning to this little unknown corner of the world that no one else seems to venture to anymore to blow off some steam.

I have sat down at least 4 times to blog this week, and every time I get sidetracked or I just can't put my words in order. Since no one reads this with the exception of myself, I should probably not worry about that and just write out the things in my head that I must need to see in print.

I find myself, as usual, confused. There is a boy (there is always a boy, right?) who makes my heart just fill to bursting. We have our issues... and sometimes they feel like the biggest and most earth shattering issues in the universe. Sometimes, they are the most overwhelming thing overshadowing every other bit of everything in my life... and that is saying something. I was in the shower the other day and for some reason I thought of the moment I realized that I loved him. I remembered the feeling of "oh fuck, are you kidding me?" I recalled feeling shock and seeing everything click into place... I don't know how many years ago that was. The journey since then has been peppered with a combination of absolute wonderful things and periods of self doubt and tears. Thus far, the good still far outweighs the bad.

I was thinking about how even though he isn't perfect, I adore him. I feel content and happy when I am with him, I find myself reaching out to touch his skin, just to feel him. My favorite is rubbing my hand along his cheek... soft or scruffy. I miss him when I am not with him.

We have had a long and seriously bumpy road. Despite all the rough spots, I still get butterflies when I see him. I look at him and see all his faults, and yet I don't care. I want all of it.

*sigh*

There was a point to all this when I started; It seems I've lost it.

Sometimes, I think he is terrible for me. Then, we are together, and I feel complete. I feel like I want to do whatever there is in my power to make him feel proud of me. (I also feel a little invincible. LOL )

I dunno.. I guess I just wanted to see some of my feelings in black and white....

I figured I should maybe put a happy post here at some point. I am sitting in a little motel room in mesa az at the moment. :) Yesterday, we spent the day scouting our location for a western short we're doing. Today will be more of the same.

I got over what that instructor said to me, and I am still going strong with film school. There are a lot of parts that bore me to tears, but I mostly enjoy it all. I kinda like being a producer, but art dept is where my heart lives.

There is a lot more to say, but i'm going to enjoy the quite hour of my morning in silence rather than continue my clicking. LOL

my never ending need to push the envelope is biting me in the ass once again. I don't know why I have to open my mouth and say things that I regret. I go about being aggressive the wrong way. I want everyone to be happy so much that what I want is often overlooked, then when I make myself heard I feel like I fuck myself.

I really really just want to be happy. I want the people I love to love me too, and I want to not think that I am wasting the fuck out of my life.

The instructor I have right now makes me doubt my choice of going to school. I don't have anyone left outside of school that believes in me and I really hope I can find the strength withing myself to get thru this. That's not true, I have one person, but I am really unsure where we stand at this moment.

I've never ever felt as lost and as heartbroken as I do right now. I just don't know what to do. *sigh*