my never ending need to push the envelope is biting me in the ass once again. I don't know why I have to open my mouth and say things that I regret. I go about being aggressive the wrong way. I want everyone to be happy so much that what I want is often overlooked, then when I make myself heard I feel like I fuck myself.

I really really just want to be happy. I want the people I love to love me too, and I want to not think that I am wasting the fuck out of my life.

The instructor I have right now makes me doubt my choice of going to school. I don't have anyone left outside of school that believes in me and I really hope I can find the strength withing myself to get thru this. That's not true, I have one person, but I am really unsure where we stand at this moment.

I've never ever felt as lost and as heartbroken as I do right now. I just don't know what to do. *sigh*

Why do I only find myself at this site when I am so ready to throw in the towel on everything?
Once again I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't know what's wrong with me. My sister says I need to see a shrink and get put on medication that is going to make me a zombie, or just not care about anything, which, at this point sounds tempting. I am really frustrated with my life. I know that a whole lot of it is what I allow to happen to me. I feel trapped a lot, and I don't think I have a whole lot of choices. I don't think a pill bottle is going to do a damn thing about it.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I am sitting here in class and just fighting tears. I am always fighting tears. I don't know who this person is that I have become. I don't know who to really trust anymore. I feel like my heart has been given to the wrong person, and I can't get it back. I really feel like the world has finally succeeded in breaking me.

I have always been strong. Mama B says I am the strongest of us, but I guess I am just tired of doing it all alone. I know I have people that love me, and that am never really really alone, but I mean all the important stuff. I go through life without a true partner. The man I've loved for so long is bad for me. I don't think he loves me. I know I am far from being a priority in his life. I'm not new and shiny enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm just not enough no matter what I do. He says he's to blame, but really, how many people have heard THAT in their lives. "it's not you, it's me" It is kinder to just kick me in the tit and tell me you hate me... that pain fades. I'm on a constant yo-yo "he loves me, he loves me not. "

I don't want hope to be dead and I think if I really admit that he just isn't interested, then hope is gone, all is lost. I have never been that girl who thinks there is no hope left in the world... this is why I think I am finally just beaten beyond repair.

There is always so much expected of me. I am worst critic, I'll admit that loud and clear.... probably doesn't help. *sigh*

Time to slip back into my smiling-nothing- is-wrong-with-me-mask. It's my least favorite for the record.